to be brave

to be brave is always something i am working on. constantly. everyday. i would't be described as someone who contains a bottle of fear inside{i disguise it very well...unless you want to do something dangerous with me then you know i am a wuss} yet there it lingers. i have missed many opportunities in life because i have been shy, not certain of myself or have let fear rule over me. i have missed many parties, shots at stardom, the development of talents, relationships, classes, concerts, events etc. all because of the fear that lurks inside me. to be brave, for me, is all about the baby steps. i say to myself "maybe i can't do this yet, but i will first do this." every year i know i get more brave, so you can get an idea of where i am coming from, up to about the age of 18{or 19 or 20} i had a hard time talking to strangers/people who intimidate me, meaning i could not go in a grocery line by myself, or call anyone or do most things without the presence of someone else. hah. it makes me laugh just thinking about it. but that has changed and although some parts of that still make me nervous, i have learned to do it anyways.  the reason i bring this up is well...because right now i want to be a little brave and share what has been on my mind. and even if i am the only one that reads this, it will make my heart lighter by getting it out and that is really all i want. as most of you know i have a passion for art and music and family and the gospel, but what maybe you don't know about me is i have a passion about love. and for the time being i don't mean the love i feel for friends or family or clouds{i do love clouds} but i mean the love i feel for, for lack of better words, a special someone. i am not sure yet at what degree this love is at, but i know it has for a while now started to plant it's roots in me and i am afraid they are there to stay. of course this special someone will remain nameless for well, this person does not know. hah. and it scares me to think that he may never know, that i will either be too fearful or the opportunity may pass by me. often this person makes my stomach hurt, makes me forget to keep breathing in, that may sound weird, but just thinking about this person makes me nervous...and the nervousness goes straight to my stomach. nervous because i am afraid of the idea of losing this person to another or caused by fear of messing it up. from the moment i met this person he has taught me to be more brave and from the moment i meet this person i knew this was someone special; someone i needed to know, someone who i thought had been kept from me far too long, someone who has made me want to be a better person. part of the time i don't think i deserve him or i don't think he completely fits my "type"{but really i don't have a type...i keep thinking i do} then i see his name or hear his name or see him then i remember, i remember i want him to be it. this is getting juicy huh? there are many people i have shared this with {only one person knows this much of the juiciness though} and many people who have no clue that these feelings even exist for this person...that is just how i roll. from where i am standing, and maybe this is me just being a dramatic girl, i don't want to picture anyone else in my life...{see this is where my passion for love gets the better of me...} from where i am standing this isn't the way i planned it, this isn't the person i expected. i didn't expect for someone so hard to get and so much in his own world. i have told myself i will wait for this person, i have warned myself that i may choose another, but for the time being this person is worth the wait. for the time being he is the one i think about everyday, the one that makes me happy and excited. the one that makes me want to keep myself busy so that missing him isn't all i think about. the one that makes me want to study my french while off track so i can succeed when i get back to school, the one that makes me want to develop my art or any other talents so that he is proud of me {and to keep up with all his talents} and the one i wish was in love with me. for now i will just remember to breath in and breath out and continue to be his faithful friend.

for a few of you you will know who i am talking about...as for the rest of you...it will have to remain a mystery